“She’s Like My Daughter” —- I’ve never liked being called ‘Mommy’ in business settings. Whether it’s a driver, a junior colleague, or even domestic staff, something about it has always unsettled me. I know it’s cultural. I know it’s often meant as a sign of respect. But over time, I’ve realised that it’s also a way of subtly defining power dynamics—of placing you in a role where you are expected to nurture and protect but never truly challenge the status quo.
I feel the same discomfort when mentorship relationships cross the line into parental ownership. I have four children and we encourage independent thought. We debate actively—about politics, leadership, and everything in between. No opinion is off-limits. My father, a Federal High Court judge, shaped that mindset in me. I still remember a heated argument between him and my two mothers (he had two wives at the time). My siblings and I didn’t automatically take his side just because he was the head of the home. Some of us aligned with him, others stood with our mothers. He allowed it. Looking back, I realise that was a defining moment—it taught me that respect and deference are not the same thing.
“The true test of leadership is not how much control you have but how much power you give away.”
Udo Okonjo
The She’s Like My Daughter Saga
That’s why Senator Ireti Kingibe’s “She’s like my daughter” comment about Senator Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan struck such a nerve. A fellow Senator—a democratically elected official, a peer— framed as a daughter? In one breath, an entire career, an entire hard-fought political journey, was reframed as something requiring guidance, control, and correction. It reminded me of men in our communities say, “She’s our wife.” A phrase that, on the surface, sounds like a declaration of belonging but, in reality, often means “She has no rights.”
The Problem with ‘Toxic Mentorship’
Nigerian politics is built on godfatherism —a system where power is not earned but handed down through patronage. But what happens when the same suffocating model extends to godmotherism? When mentorship is not about empowerment but control?
Too often, I’ve seen women leaders mentor younger women only to expect perpetual deference in return. They expect them to remain daughters rather than evolve into peers. The moment these mentees assert themselves, perhaps grow in influence, find their voice, or challenge outdated norms, they are cast as rebellious, ungrateful, and too ambitious. The expectation is that they should stay small and obedient, and never outgrow the shadow of those who once guided them.
But real mentorship—the kind that truly builds legacies—demands something different. It requires the humility to raise others without feeling diminished by their rise. It means guiding but not gatekeeping, leading but not lording and nurturing but never ‘owning’.
Women in Power: The Senate’s Boys’ Club and the ‘Four Women’ Problem
Let’s not forget the context of where this conversation is taking place. The Nigerian Senate has
109 Senators, but only 4 are women. In a space where women are already massively underrepresented, the expectation should be that those who do make it into leadership actively work to expand the room—not reinforce the very dynamics that keep women from entering in the first place.
Senator Kingibe’s comment was not just patronising; it was emblematic of a much deeper issue: the policing of women in leadership, especially by other women who have ‘made it.’ It sends a clear message to the next generation: You are welcome here, but only if you know your place.
And what is that place? To be grateful, to be seen but not heard, to wait their turn, to not push too hard or too fast. To never forget who ‘made’ them.
It’s a suffocating, shrinking, limiting way of thinking.
What Must Change?
If we want more women in leadership—whether in politics, business, or any sphere—we must actively dismantle these toxic power structures. We must replace mentorship rooted in control with mentorship rooted in courage.
- Women supporting women must mean just that —not women controlling women. We need an ecosystem where power is shared, not hoarded. Where mentees are encouraged to outgrow their mentors. Where mentorship is about expansion, not limitation.
- Political leadership must evolve beyond the ‘family’ model. Women in leadership are not daughters or wives to be managed, accommodated, or spoken for. They are leaders in their own right, deserving of full recognition.
- We must challenge the toxic language that infantilises women. She’s like my daughter and She’s our wife must be called out for what they are: tools of suppression dressed up as terms of endearment.
This is Why We Do the Work
This International Women’s Month (not day), as we celebrate progress and highlight the work that remains, I am reminded of why we do what we do. For the past 15 years, through Inspired Women of Worth and more recently through the Power Woman Leadership Program, we have worked to shift the conversation and raise women’s awareness of their true power.
Our mission is not just to place women in positions of leadership—it is to ensure that when they arrive, they step into those roles fully, without limitation, without unnecessary deference, and without the burden of belonging to someone else.
The true test of leadership is not how much control you have but how much power you give away.
This is just part one. There is still much more to unpack. But for now, let’s sit with this:
When will we stop treating women in leadership as daughters, wives, and dependents—and start treating them as the equals they have fought so hard to become?
Udo Okonjo
CEO Fine and Country WA; Founder, Inspired Women of Worth (IWOW) & Power Woman Leadership Academy.
About Udo Okonjo
Udo Okonjo is a transformative business leader, independent board director, Berkeley-certified executive coach, and advocate for women’s leadership, wealth, and legacy. As the founder of Inspired Women of Worth (IWOW) and the Power Woman Leadership Academy, she has spent over 15 years equipping women with the mindset, tools, and networks to lead boldly and shape their economic and leadership destinies. A Forbes Business Council member and sought-after speaker, Udo is passionate about dismantling limiting power structures, fostering authentic leadership, and ensuring women don’t just have a seat at the table—they own the space and redefine the future.